Energy Vampire – n. A
person who feeds off the energy of humans they come in contact with.
A customer said the most interesting thing to me the other
day. Not interesting ‘Oh’, but interesting as in ‘What? Well, FU lady’. Sure,
we weren’t really hitting it off to begin with—you know how sometimes you and a
customer just don’t click? Well, there I was putting on this woman’s eyeliner as
she sat in the chair—her arms crossed tight against her chest and her lips
pursed. I got the impression she was barely tolerating my existence.
Out of nowhere, she says to me, “I don’t know how you people
do it sometimes. Look at that woman over there…”
I pause and glance over my shoulder. There’s a lone
salesperson walking through her area, looking over her cases.
The woman continues with, “You people have to spend so much
of your time doing nothing, I don’t know how you do it—”
(...and here’s where it gets good…)
She goes on to say, “I know you people who work retail are
born to do this job, but still…I don’t know how you tolerate it.”
Wait, what? Did she seriously
just say that?
What’s funny is, I understood she wasn’t intentionally
trying to be rude or insulting. But that didn’t stop me from resenting the hell
out of her. I mean, some of the smartest and most talented people I’ve met work
in retail. Anyway, by the time we wrapped it up, I was done with her. I was
spent. Drained. Ready to break away from everything and recharge—too bad they
don’t let you do it with margaritas, huh?
Because some customers just do that to you.
And all that brings me to my main topic. I’ve been pondering
how to start this subject for a while. I mean, how do you describe ‘Energy Vampire’
to someone who doesn’t work in retail? Because unlike other customer archetypes
I’ve covered, the Energy Vampire doesn’t have any typical characteristics. They
can be anyone, anywhere. Sometimes they’re nice, sometimes they’re shy.
Sometimes they’re other things and other words I have no need to say here. As
with the woman above, you all know what I mean.
So what is the Energy Vampire? Well, they are the customers
we get, probably more frequently than most, that drain us completely. When we’re
done with them, it’s generally time to call it a day and start drinking.
There’s really no rules here. Most times, but not always,
they take a lot of our time. Sometimes it’s searching for lipstick (What? Lipstick?
No way...), sometimes it’s just a quick touch-up. Sometimes it’s eyeliner, or skincare,
or foundation…and on and on and on.
Bottom line is, there’s no way to spot this person until you’re
already ass-deep in helping them. Suddenly it’ll just hit you as you’re reaching
for that next color. You feel weak, tired. It becomes harder and harder to
think of things to talk about. There’s this little whining voice inside you
saying, “I hope this is the last one.” When it’s not, you damn near whimper
with fatigue. Unfortunately, this goes on and on and on…seemingly forever and
ever. Amen. Too bad garlic and crosses don’t work on these vampires...and anyone
who doesn’t believe in the dreaded E.V., obviously wasn’t born to work retail.
Who of you out there are familiar with this particular
scenario:
A husband and wife walk up to your counter. The husband reaches
you first, his eyes bright with humor. He lifts his lips in a cheery smile and says,
“So, can you make me look beautiful?”
Ha, ha. Heh.
After giving him my standard, ‘you’re so funny’ laugh, I say
something like, “Sure…you want a little blush, a little lipstick?” Everybody
laughs. Kind of. To be fair, that joke was funny the first two or three times I
heard it. But over a decade later, and after hearing it a hundred times over, it
kind of loses its charm—and my laugh is no longer capable of being genuine.
Besides, at this point I’m too busy trying to figure out what
kind of experience this is going to be. Good? Or bad…
Husbands, especially controlling ones, are the banes of our existence.
There’s nothing so frustrating as hearing a woman say, “I need to ask my
husband first before I buy” or “Oh, I really love this color but...my husband
doesn’t like it when I where [pink, red, bright, nude, or even just] lipstick.”
No. No, no, no, NO! You husbands do not get to tell your wives what to do or wear—especially if it
makes them feel pretty. My hubby doesn’t like it when I do my bright and crazy
makeup—and you know what I tell him? Tough shit. It’s me. It’s who I am.
So when I see a husband and wife walk up together, I’m
wondering if he’s going to be the husband that gives encouraging feedback or wanders
off until we’re done, or the husband that hangs over my shoulder and tells me
what to put, or what not to put, on
his wife’s face.
Ugh…Worst moment ever: being told what to do by a man who
knows absolutely nothing about makeup. No, sir, that camel eyeshadow will not
look good or natural on your pink-porcelain skinned wife.
What? You want me to put it on anyway? Sure…obviously I don’t
know what I’m doing.
What? It didn’t look right so maybe I should have used a
different brush? Sure....that’ll make it look better…
I’m sorry, did you say you want me to put that brick-red
lipstick on her too? Okay, but just
remember…you asked for it, bud.
Thanks for sticking with me—this was an especially long one!
Cheers to all my peeps out there, and happy selling;)!
