When Beauty Gets Ugly...

For my cosmetic peeps...because some people need to learn how NOT to shop in cosmetics.

"Lipstick Lady" and "Sample Whore"

Hey, you. Yes, you. You know who you are. You're the one parading around the beauty department in a constant, hopeless search for that one perfect lipstick. You've tried every one. Every. Single. One. Plus, you've been doing this for years. Years. I honestly don't know what you're expecting to find that you haven't seen already. Yeah, we know how much you want to match that Estee Lauder coral lipstick you've been holding onto since 1989, but there's a reason they don't make it anymore. A good reason.

Oh, you know who you are-and I have one thing to say to you... Go away. Please. We are tired of hiding from you.

And then there's you. The one who drops by the counter once a week asking for samples 'because you're such a good customer'. You say you buy the products all the time...yet no one has ever seen the color of your credit card. You just need them for travel, right? Well, newsflash... We are not morons. I know you think because we sell beauty products, that we were tragically born without a brain. Not so. You think we don't understand what you're doing? Trust me, we get it. We would love nothing more than to tell you to take your samples and shove it where the sun don't shine. With a smile, of course.

But we can't say that-and you know it.

Well, here's something I bet you didn't know. We all know you. Every man and woman in cosmetics knows you. Sometimes, if you're bad enough, you're known in every cosmetics store within fifty miles. And once you're spotted, expect disdain and mockery to ensue. Heaven help you if you ever decide to get a make-over by one of us. I promise you'll leave looking like Marilyn Manson and Snookie just had a baby all over your face. Truth: cosmetics is a very small world. Now, I'm doing this because I really don't want another You. So heed my advice:

*Try three lipsticks- five at most. Once you get past three, the color is no longer true. Besides, you can't rub your lips twenty times and not look like you just wolfed down a mixed berry buffet in Vegas. Not to mention, if you push the five lipstick boundary, your salesperson is going to start picturing all the ways she would torture you if she ever gets you alone. If you decide to ignore my advice and do take that much of their time, you damn well better buy something-and more than just one something. Don't you dare leave saying, "I'm going to walk around and see how it looks." That will blacklist you so fast, your head will spin.

*If you ask for samples- be reasonable, that's all we ask. We're happy to give out samples to newcomers, once or twice tops. At that point you better buy. If you take advantage of us...you will find we've mysteriously, magically run out of samples. Each and every time you come to the counter. Forever. So just buy the damn thing already. And if you ever want to see another sample again in your life, you'll make sure and buy it from the person who so generously supplied to them to you. By all means, feel free to ignore my advice. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Cheers.